Casa Negra

yesterday, as i was making headway with "the roots of rock and roll," a book i'm reading with my students, they learned that elvis' house is named Graceland and it got me thinking: if elvis can have Graceland, michael The Neverland Ranch, the queen of england Buckingham Palace, why on earth shouldn't i have a name for mine? most of the most famous international icons have a name for their house and it seems like the cool thing to do, so from here on it, no matter the location, size, or luxuriousness of my home, it shall hence by referred to as CASA NEGRA.

Casa Negra de El Blanquito. seems fitting, no?

authenticity

being a long-term fan of e.r., the successful nbc thursday night medical drama, carrie weaver is just one of the captivating characters with a life story unfolding before our eyes. and in season seven, her storyline comes to a head when it is revealed she is a closeted lesbian and tries to have a relationship with her coworker who eventually breaks if off after tiring of living carrie's lie.

then in season eight, carrie becomes interested in one of the city's firefighters and her relationship with sandy isn't much different. however, sandy, like me, wants to live her life authentically and doesn't want to be a part of carrie's ongoing charade. carrie's excuse after excuse for not wanting her coworkers to know she's gay becomes too much for sandy who eventually outs her to everyone.

the specific scene that moves me the most though is when carrie and sandy are on a date at a chicago blackhawks game. while they are waiting at the concession stand, carrie sees two coworkers walking in her direction and suddenly, turns her back to sandy and bows her head, obviously wanting to hide. still not having come to terms with her sexuality, she tries adamantly to avoid a confrontation with her coworkers and in the meantime inadvertently, reveals to sandy that she is not out.

needless to say, sandy is not pleased and asks carrie: "How do you think that makes me feel?"

so watching this last night in a country where this situation constantly comes up with my gay acquaintances, i once and for all identified with sandy who is right: how does that make me feel?

frankly, it's compete bullshit to be led on, fooled, duped -- whatever you want to call it -- and then ask me to understand where you're coming from. that kind of behavior is unacceptable and i deserve more r-e-s-p-e-c-t than that. these type of people are only interested in reaping the benefits from being in a relationship while at the same time, avoiding whatever consequences that might come along with it. if you're not ready to live your life authentically, then you should never have come on to me in the first place.

WORD!

alienation

i'm not out of the loop -- well, actually i am, figuratively speaking.

what i mean is that over the past few years, i've come to a realization that the way i choose to live my life somewhat purposely alienates me from getting closer to others. most recently, my resolve has been tested in a country where eating meat is the standard. it pretty frequently occurs that people are shocked i can be a vegetarian in korea and respond with my favorite line: "well, i love meat!" as if i've personally offended them so much that they need to go on the defensive. 

so because i'm living my life going against the grain, i probably eat 90% of my meals alone, skipping out on opportunities to eat communally because i won't enjoy sitting at a barbecue pit barbecuing meat while fielding questions from people who never once in their life thought about how their actions affect others, the world. and so while my acquaintances get closer, i get farther away from everyone, most noticeably my coworkers and classmates who continually share their lives over meals together.

and while at first, i was a little upset that i was purposely alienating myself from others, especially when it's the social situations where i can practice speaking korean that i need to attend, i've realized that this is my life and i'm not going to change just go with the crowd.

that's absolutely not how i live my life. i live it with principles and even if it makes my life more difficult, i'm not going to change because i know what i'm doing is the right thing for me. i'm stephen, and there's no one else i'd rather be. except for maybe a millionaire.

collect 200,000₩ and move forward

these past two and a half months have been exceptionally grueling, working full-time and taking level four korean at school. i was not prepared for what level four challenged me with. i did not heed the warnings that the fourth level would be difficult because out of all the levels, i usually hear that level five is the most difficult. therefore, when i went to school the first day, after listening to the teacher scare speak to us and perusing the textbook, there was a resounding 'WTF' in my head.

so four ten weeks, while my unemployed classmates had lunch together every day and took weekend trips together and studied for hours, completing every tedious homework assignment the teacher gave us, i squeezed in my studying during subway rides to work and on my days off, not uncommonly preparing chapters in advance. therefore, this term really took its toll on me. and i'm not one to brag about my studying korean because it's really just a hobby and it's not like i'm saving lives or something. but this was the first semester that when people asked me how my studying was going, i answered honestly that this term was very difficult. we made a huge jump from baby korean to real korean and since speaking has always been the most challenging for me, i can honestly say i wasn't sure i would pass the final speaking test.

but somehow i did. even though the teacher ignored the list of prepared list of questions that i spent hours upon hours memorizing my answers for, we revolved around the subject of new york and i think for that reason, my anxiety dissipated and i did well. much better than i thought i would do actually. better than my level three speaking test! and on top of that, while it's not out of the ordinary for chinese and japanese classmates to ace tests due to the similarity in languages and mentalities but this time, i actually aced my reading test and it made my entire day.

so in two weeks i'm advancing on to level five and if i don't screw it up, i could be graduating from level six as early as may. seems like, now more than ever, an attainable goal after impressing myself with level four. even though level five is said to be the one that only geniuses can pass, i asked my boss to drastically reduce my work schedule for the next three months to focus on my study and she kindly agreed, so i'll have the time to study. i'm motivated and determined and will try my best to not have to eat my words in three months time.

boys (part two)

sometimes a girl just doesn't need one.

if there's one thing i can be certain about of these past four months in korea, it's that no one can say i haven't tried. unlike last year when i moped and whined, this year the new stephen has been going full-force with the gusto of someone who has learned to swallow much of his pride to almost get what he wants. nevertheless, things haven't exactly gone according to plan. boys in korea are some mutant strain of the male breed that will drive you to your wits end and back, if you yourself have any sort of principles at all. here is just a sample of conversations and situations:

me: where do you live again?
23-year-old i just met: anam. i told u dat 10 thousand times
me: i'm pretty sure you didn't, so save it.

them: you're cute. [kiss on the cheek]
so the next time i see them i tried earnestly to have a conversation with them their native language but to no avail. why would you say i was cute and kiss me one week and then not even try to have a conversation with me the next?

(my personal favorite)
me: i'll send you a pic
them: yes, hurry!
me: ok, after i'm doing eating with my friends.
suddenly polite them: ok, have a good meal!
me two hours later: ok, here.
-no response for a month, two months?-
me suddenly one night on a holiday at 10PM: what the heck? why are they calling?
them without introductions or holiday wishes: what are you doing?
me: watching sex and the city and drinking wine.
them: i'm in seoul at my friends house. wanna meet?
me without thinking: sure
them: ok, i'll go there first and wait for you.
me: ok, give me 30 minutes.
them 30 minutes later: where are you?
me after coming to my senses: i'm still on my way (i was at my house with no intention of going)
them: hurry
me: aren't you with friends tonight?
them: no, not tonight
me furious after realizing he just wanted to use me for entertainment: you have no manners.
                                                                                                      happy holidays! good night.

before they ask my name: are you a top or bottom?
me: hey, do you want to meet sometime?
them: absolutely!
me a few days later: how about tomorrow at 10?
-suddenly no answer-
them a day later two hours before the proposed meeting time: it's kind of late but what will we do?
confused me: sorry, i already made plans with someone else because you took too long.
me the next week: hey, what are you doing sunday?
them: nothing
me: let's meet finally!
them: ok
me on sunday: meet today?
them: no, i'm too hungover.
me the next saturday: hey, i'm out. are you? wanna come?
them: i'm at home but i wanna come. sounds like fun.
-doesn't come-
seriously dude, either you wanna meet or you don't!