unsolved mysteries

forget the syndicated show that still scares the crap out of me every time (so much so that i have to turn the television on mute when the song comes on), one of the biggest unsolved mysteries of my life that continues to eat me up is: What ever happyed to my tutor, Jae Hyun?

i never wrote about it before but in december, when his girlfriend came to new york, we lost contact with each other. well, that's one way of putting it.

after some time weeks had gone by and i realized it was getting strange that he had never phoned me to meet his girlfriend or even to resume our language exchange, i wrote him an e-mail to touch base with him.

three very deep and apologetic e-mails, and a sprinkle of drunken text messages later, i still have not heard from him after eight months.

and the truth is, i miss him so much. i cannot wrap my brain around why he won't talk to me anymore. my brother, who raved about me to my friends, who came skipping up to me with the biggest grin on his face because he was happy to see me again after my five-day vacation. he who accompanied me to montreal with merely a day notice.

all i'm left with is questions and this picture i found on facebook of his elusive self after unsuccessfully stalking him online for an hour. i remember him showing this photo to me before in new york, of the time he volunteered in the phillipines building houses for those less fortunate.

i do know that we live in the same country again and at any moment i could run into him on the subway and what would happen? if he wanted to talk to me, he would have and that is probably the part that hurts the most. RIP 김재현 - may we meet again some day.

things i didn't miss about korea / things i don't miss about nyc

things i didn't miss about korea:

absolutely no enforcement of smoking laws and regulations make it impossible to escape clouds of toxicity.

the smelly fart odor that lingers on the street, seemingly in bubbles.

having to re-enter the closet of repression.

trying to have relationships with gays that have never left the closet of repression.

things i don't miss about nyc:

tipping!

the complete lack of any structured subway schedule.

loud, disgusting, obnoxious, rude, inconsiderate, unaware people that abounded in the mass transit areas.

having to worry about where i was going to find my next bathroom and how much i would have to pay for it.

and the critics say

"you're the best teacher i have ever had"

"you're the right teacher for me."

"you're better than my other teacher [a.k.a. my boss, which i absolutely relish the thought of]"

"you are special."

"you are The One [for her]."

"tell your mom that she has a good boy," told to me by one of my older students.

"lucky forever," obviously written by one my luck-obsessed chinese students.


and my favorite:

"have a nice life!"


i'll try, gueyue. i'll really try.

home shit home

yesterday i said goodbye to 3456 33rd street #11. i could not have known that i would stay there for eight and half months but it was a good time. great location, great neigborhood, great friends. the bug dilemma already seems like a distant memory. or maybe my mind is blocking that memory. here it is, fresh and clean:

pda (i just don't care)

or so says john legend anyway.

i find myself asking myself the same question.

what do you think?

now that i've all but announced to my adult students that i'll be gone in two weeks time, i've found myself with a newfound freedom, divulging more of myself to them than ever before. this includes sexuality, which i don't find appropriate as classroom fodder for any students or teachers in a classroom setting. however, i've been asking myself if i thought it would be okay to let loose a little in social settings.

well let loose i may have done last night when i invited a boy to a party where one of my students was in attendance. considering all of the factors, do you think light pda is appropriate or not within the visibility of your students?

decisions, decisions

i imagine the greater percentage of posts to be posted from here on out will pertain to my departure and this does not differ.

i submitted my resignation today to the lovely american language communication center, about which i have not written much here. i will definitely miss the constant addition of new students to my class who aren't up to speed on grammar and vocabulary as well as promptly decling to substitute teach a class minutes before it starts. i will also miss the funny smell in the teacher's room closet.

but i do give thanks and due respect to my source of weekly paychecks, which are not available for direct deposit.

the backup plan

unlike jennifer lopez, my backup plan is not to have a baby with my best gay friend. in fact, my backup plan far exceeds pregnancy, babies, and falling in love with someone who is not my gbff. it involves the one and only koreauuhhhh.

tonight i leave toronto and tomorrow will be the first day of the end of new york and america, the third time over. more than being nervous about going back to korea though, i am already regretting promising a month stay to my mom at her abode. not because i will get to see my high school bffs, but because my stay will likely end in my mother and i at each other's necks. i can't help but think i'd rather stay in nyc for the month of may and gallivant in the spring sunshine instead of dying a slow miserable death in the 'burbs of chicago.

but for better or for worse, i'm trying to be the best son i can be.

so here's the final two weeks of the city where dreams are made of. and where only in my dreams i could imagined an extended-family like mine.

the wait is over

live blogging on a bus with wireless on the way north to toronto for my "vacation," i should be happy.

over the past few weeks, i've realized that although i do want to go back to korea to finish what i started, i actually want to stay in new york more. this is a crazy city and i'm truly in love with living here even if it's not under the best circumstances. this reminded me of some artwork i discovered at the times square NW platform a few weeks back.

unfortunately, after hyping myself up about this teaching fellowship, i received this in my inbox today:

Thank you for your interest in the NYC Teaching Fellows program and the time you have invested in interviewing with us. We have completed a thorough review of your candidacy, and while we were impressed with your background and experience, we are unable to offer you a Fellowship for the upcoming year.

As you may know, the application process for the Teaching Fellows program is extremely competitive. Each year we receive far more applications from qualified individuals than we have positions available, and this year has been especially selective.

so there you have it. 

gratitude

returning to new york was and has been quite challenging, more than expected. fortunately, i have a good family from who i could not have asked for more. even though i may have held back from expressing my gratitude, i have secretly calculated every ounce of generosity and have tallied a list of those people who i honestly, can't thank enough. with a month left, here is an expression of my gratitude, in no particular order.

john strom has humored me several times with his early a.m. gay remix sessions to force me out of my slumber and he was the original wing-man to my regrettably, hard-partying days after i returned from korea. i definitely owe him for getting me a job too so that i didn't completely flounder but for also getting me out of all the shifts i didn't want to work. conversations with the strom proved to be most enjoyable though; we have one of those relationships where we absolutely vibe with each other and cause me to double over in hysterics. he is without a doubt, one of the most unique and interesting people i have ever met.

my other roommate paul isn't so bad either. he pretends like he's not really interested in me because i'm a crazy person but i can tell deep-down, he thrives off of my insanity. i do appreciate him keeping his cool when i've secretly snuck his snacks into my mouth or left the dishes in the sink until the end of the day so i could do them all at once. or for not getting mad at me when i used up all his aveda products (i swear he told me he gets them for free!). and as much as we may bicker like an old married couple, the fun i have having it out with him also leaves me with a huge smile on my face (that leaves many other new yorkers confused as to why i'm so happy!).

let me continue with the boys and thank mister edward, a most unlikely friend. turns out that after living in new york off and on for seven years, someone i had only met a handful of times two years ago would turn out to be quite an available and supportive bestie. i don't know what i did to deserve so much love but it has actually made me feel loved and not like a complete loser. and just when i have edward pegged as a nerd with an edge for fashion, i witness him getting down and dirrrty to the likes of beyonce and kelis and all my preconceived notions of him have gone out the window. in fact, more things may have gone out the window than preconceived notions. like say, restraint. flash-forward to us getting down and dirrrty on the dancefloor together and many great memories flood my mind.

and now for the girls. first up in my girl megan, mostly for rushing out to see me the day after i got in and even more so for putting up with all my bullshit. little did she know that when she put me on her family plan for a cell phone, i would always pay my bill late. i do have to thank her for gifting me her old cell phone too. girl really knows how to make me feel special.

miss d'ne brown ain't too bad either. i was unsure of how our relationship would pick up after two years of my absence but i have realized after the past few months that it's better now than it ever has been. most suprisingly, i am astonished with how unbelievably patient she has been with me, a virtue that doesn't come naturally to her. and we've bumped up the cuddling to kissing! at this rate we'll be heading to the chapel in no time. absolutely no one beats the spontaneity of this girl, a vertible whirlwind wherever we go. you will also be fed well. she is the queen of sharing and will not make any bones about inviting you into her world;  her world is a warm, wonderful world which i love living in. so here's to her too for loving me unconditionally.

my final notable is not for one person, but for all my students. even though the job market may not have worked in my favor, i have been able to do what i love: teach. waking up and going to work everyday is something i'll hate no matter what, but when i get to the classroom and i see the shining smiles of my students, i cheer up. and when i make them laugh with incredibly cheesy jokes, i laugh, loudly and uncontrollably and the hours pass and another day has finished.

and i'm still alive.

thank you family. more than words can even say.

love,
yours truly
stephen

decisiveness

i have lots of opinions and it astonishes me that some things are debated about for years before any resolutions are reached. so i'm offering my help to fix the problems myself.

number one: i saw a political ad on t.v. today condemning governor paterson for suggesting a tax on beverages containing more than 70% sugar. gasp! you know what gov paterson should do? pass it. he may not be an angel but people in new york are FAT FAT FAT. they also sometimes have little concern over how they spend their money too; they willingly pay $12 dollars for a vodka tonic, $5 for coat check, and over $9 for one pack of cigarrettes. so there is no reason keeping them from buying sugary drinks at an elevated taxed price if they really want a coca-cola that bad. in the end, new york needs the money.

number two: president obama is not the only person in the history of the united states that has wanted to change the country for the better in sacrifice of our national budget. i'm not even going to reference any of the previous instances where presidents got us into something none of us could agree on the benefit of. but God forbid obama want poor people (me included) to have healthcare, then everyone raises their arms in protest. get over it people. there are people that never go see a doctor about their ailments because they can't afford it and guess what? THEY DIE. the greatest nations of the world have universal healthcare and some deem it our "God-given" right, so if we have a country supporting our health there's no telling how strong and prosperous our country could become in the future.

at the same rate though....
number three: we really need to definite definition of healthcare. because if i fall down the stairs and need hip replacement surgery, that counts. but if there's nothing instigating the decision besides desire, it's a choice and it should not be included under the umbrella of healthcare. i'm sure you can think of the choices i'm thinking of.

number four: my last beef of the day is with the nyc mta. for years and years they've been talking about cutting services and increasing fees because they're constantly in a deficit (due to their own mental dimness no doubt). lots of families have been up in arms that the nyc mta want to start charging k-12 students to ride the public bus. i say do it. just because they're kids and taking the bus is a necessity both for safety and education, it's ridiculous that they've been getting away with not paying even a dime every day to go to school. sorry parents, but considering the other things you spend your money on (going back to number one), you can certainly afford even a mere 50 cent fare for your child's bus ride. what does it matter anyway? if they don't make students start paying, the parent's will just have to pay more so it equals out anyway. think about it. and if the nyc mta can get student's to pay just 50 cents, it's certainly going to help the deficit in a substantial way.

finally, on a lighter note.....
number five: after reliving the horror that was september 11th for four hours on the discovery network's chronicle of the tragedy last night, i have 100 percent reaffirmed my belief that New York City is the Greatest City in the World. it may not be my city anymore, but watching that footage was even more chilling this time than it was when i was so far removed from it emotionally and physically ten years ago. I Love New York and its resilency. but if there's one thing that we still need to do, it's capture osama bin-laden.

perhaps this would have better been titled 'rants III.'

where am i?

one of my favorite things about living in korea was rainy season. 장마 lasted from june to july and i spent many of its nights roaming around the streets taking in reflection of neon lights in the rain.

but i'm in new york now, so why has it rained for the past four days? i thought the worst of it was having the wind blowing from all directions, making it impossible to keep my umbrella from being blown inside out. i must of underestimated the severity of the storm though because apparently, in some places, they haven't had power for days and even trees fell on houses. well, i guess on of the good things about living in the city is we don't have many trees and the wind can't really blow down a skyscraper. knock on wood.

rewind

those who know me often hear me lament about present day new york. it just doesn't feel real living the history now. i'd much prefer to go back to the past. give me any decade in the twentieth century and i'd be happy. world war era nyc would be interesting; i'd love to be standing in times square when they announced the end of the war, living that moment. or as terrible as it seems, i think it would be totally rad to get mixed up in the pop culture of the sixties, the drugs and clubs of the seventies, and without a doubt the drugs and prostitutes of the eighties. sweating it out on the street on a blisteringly hot summer day. taking a carriage ride to the theatre. living out all of the truly authentic moments of ny history, whether they be good or bad. alas, commercialism and the new-age of having every convenience at our fingertips prevail. 

early spring checklist

two-week all expense paid sping fellowship in korea: disqualified

inevitably missing spring term at sogang and a spring wedding: ☑

teaching job in tbd location in seoul waiting for me in may: ☑

finding out my english student is a go-go dancer at splash yet married (to a woman):  ☑

new york city teaching fellows four hour interview:  ☑

circumventing central park once by running: ☑

 

maybee N E W Y O R K

in the stamford mall, shops try unsuccessfully to imitate new york city style.

i would give anything to change this shop's name to " maybee not N E W  Y O R K".

starbuck$

why don't they just cut to the chase?

"It's like giving someone exactly what they want."

there's just no need for unnecessary verbage.

clouds

one of my favorite pasttimes is without a doubt, cloud-gazing. i can get lost in them forever.

just seconds later:

v-day special

to the best teacher she's ever had:

 

and this student only knew me as her three-day substitute from months back, but last week she switched into my saturday class. guess she loves me.

 

 

and she gave me a gift, purchased at and neatly gift-wrapped by macys:

the final presentation: 

 

those pretzels are absolutely divine, mostly due to the fact that they aren't just pretzels, but also covered in m&ms, marshmallows, chocolate, etc. 

thanks to my students who love me for being my valentine this year round.

it's a bugs life

one of the joys of living in a nyc apartment, no matter the age, nor the frequency of the exterminator, is bugs. lots of bugs. when you turned on the light in the morning, you can see them scurrying off in a thousand different directions. here are some of the not so lucky ones:

 

 

bootyful new york III: let there be light

 

revelations

i'm seriously considering accepting another failure and just going back to korea. i feel very spontaneous about it, like just buying a ticket for next week and going and sorting everything out once i get there. i mean, i have all my documents ready. and it is my dream. jeez, just let me go back to korea and finish studying korean. that's all i want to do with my life right now. did i make a huge mistake coming back to new york to settle my affairs? i wasn't disillusioned, i know that much. once again, i blame luck. i know i've tried. fucking doctors. FUCKING HEALTH CARE. fucking me, my life, and my mind.

i might just take a cab over the 59th street bridge for the sole purpose of screaming out of the window at the tops of my lungs, as i've been known to do. hey, it's the only time you can scream in nyc without anyone around - except for the taxi driver that is.