authenticity

being a long-term fan of e.r., the successful nbc thursday night medical drama, carrie weaver is just one of the captivating characters with a life story unfolding before our eyes. and in season seven, her storyline comes to a head when it is revealed she is a closeted lesbian and tries to have a relationship with her coworker who eventually breaks if off after tiring of living carrie's lie.

then in season eight, carrie becomes interested in one of the city's firefighters and her relationship with sandy isn't much different. however, sandy, like me, wants to live her life authentically and doesn't want to be a part of carrie's ongoing charade. carrie's excuse after excuse for not wanting her coworkers to know she's gay becomes too much for sandy who eventually outs her to everyone.

the specific scene that moves me the most though is when carrie and sandy are on a date at a chicago blackhawks game. while they are waiting at the concession stand, carrie sees two coworkers walking in her direction and suddenly, turns her back to sandy and bows her head, obviously wanting to hide. still not having come to terms with her sexuality, she tries adamantly to avoid a confrontation with her coworkers and in the meantime inadvertently, reveals to sandy that she is not out.

needless to say, sandy is not pleased and asks carrie: "How do you think that makes me feel?"

so watching this last night in a country where this situation constantly comes up with my gay acquaintances, i once and for all identified with sandy who is right: how does that make me feel?

frankly, it's compete bullshit to be led on, fooled, duped -- whatever you want to call it -- and then ask me to understand where you're coming from. that kind of behavior is unacceptable and i deserve more r-e-s-p-e-c-t than that. these type of people are only interested in reaping the benefits from being in a relationship while at the same time, avoiding whatever consequences that might come along with it. if you're not ready to live your life authentically, then you should never have come on to me in the first place.

WORD!

boys (part two)

sometimes a girl just doesn't need one.

if there's one thing i can be certain about of these past four months in korea, it's that no one can say i haven't tried. unlike last year when i moped and whined, this year the new stephen has been going full-force with the gusto of someone who has learned to swallow much of his pride to almost get what he wants. nevertheless, things haven't exactly gone according to plan. boys in korea are some mutant strain of the male breed that will drive you to your wits end and back, if you yourself have any sort of principles at all. here is just a sample of conversations and situations:

me: where do you live again?
23-year-old i just met: anam. i told u dat 10 thousand times
me: i'm pretty sure you didn't, so save it.

them: you're cute. [kiss on the cheek]
so the next time i see them i tried earnestly to have a conversation with them their native language but to no avail. why would you say i was cute and kiss me one week and then not even try to have a conversation with me the next?

(my personal favorite)
me: i'll send you a pic
them: yes, hurry!
me: ok, after i'm doing eating with my friends.
suddenly polite them: ok, have a good meal!
me two hours later: ok, here.
-no response for a month, two months?-
me suddenly one night on a holiday at 10PM: what the heck? why are they calling?
them without introductions or holiday wishes: what are you doing?
me: watching sex and the city and drinking wine.
them: i'm in seoul at my friends house. wanna meet?
me without thinking: sure
them: ok, i'll go there first and wait for you.
me: ok, give me 30 minutes.
them 30 minutes later: where are you?
me after coming to my senses: i'm still on my way (i was at my house with no intention of going)
them: hurry
me: aren't you with friends tonight?
them: no, not tonight
me furious after realizing he just wanted to use me for entertainment: you have no manners.
                                                                                                      happy holidays! good night.

before they ask my name: are you a top or bottom?
me: hey, do you want to meet sometime?
them: absolutely!
me a few days later: how about tomorrow at 10?
-suddenly no answer-
them a day later two hours before the proposed meeting time: it's kind of late but what will we do?
confused me: sorry, i already made plans with someone else because you took too long.
me the next week: hey, what are you doing sunday?
them: nothing
me: let's meet finally!
them: ok
me on sunday: meet today?
them: no, i'm too hungover.
me the next saturday: hey, i'm out. are you? wanna come?
them: i'm at home but i wanna come. sounds like fun.
-doesn't come-
seriously dude, either you wanna meet or you don't!

boys (sometimes a girl just needs one)

well, it's been two months since i've landed back in seoul and i've unintentionally wasted no time in getting to know many of the locals. since i have a few hours to spare, and britney commands me to do it, i will debrief.

M: we have an off and on again relationship that's going on three years. we like to kiss and flirt when we're on the hill together but it never goes farther than that. until two weeks ago when i discovered how selfish he could be and consequently, wrote him out of my book (but not my blog). note to self: must resist future temptations coming from his direction even though he is one of the best kissers i've ever met, let alone in korea!

I: i would describe our two year relationship as hot and cold. first hot, then very very cold seeing as though i cut him out of my life for a long time. when i returned to seoul i decided i was going to reverse that decision because i was being ridiculous. so i unsuccessfully tried to make up for lost time by kissing him. instead, i think i just caught him off guard. anyway, he's incredibly sexy and fascinating and unfortunately for me, just a few days later, he started dating someone else. i guess had my chance two years ago and missed it.

GOGO BOY: from the moment i first saw him in his own world, rehearsing in our club, i was captivated. though he paid no mind to me, barely making the effort to turn around and introduce himself, one month later our stars crossed again. three weeks ago at my first night working a gogo party, he appeared out of thin air, presenting himself at the bar, preparing to perform. after he was done shaking his sweaty stuff on stage, he came behind the bar and told me i was cute, taking my breath away. my response wasn't very intelligible but in any case, he had apparently noticed me, and in very good way. not only that, but he rubbed my back, gave me a hug, and a kiss on the cheek! i had no way of knowing that would be the penicle of our relationship though since we've met at the club twice since then and engaged in conversation that has lead to nowhere.

DJ MASTER PROGRESSIVE: the same night gogo boy told me i was cute, i closed down the bar with our resident dj, an incredibly shy and mute individual (go figure). well, the music was finally off so after conversing in his native language for some time, we had dinner (re: breakfast?) and shared a quick kiss at the entrance of the subway. unfortunately, his attraction to me and my attraction to him doesn't make up for the fact that he's not adept at conversing. after a few strong drinks, he becomes significantly more outgoing but that won't make up for i can't have a relationship with him like i think he wants.

O: i must make some mention of him due to his frankness in telling me he'd like to have my babies and then asking me right out if i wanted to have sex with him on this special wednesday afternoon while we were chatting online.

SOGANG BOY: there's a man that i met that lives directly across from my university who is incredibly busy but doesn't mind having a partner during his minimal free time. the problem with him being that he only talks about himself and brags about his prowess, the latter of which wouldn't be such a problem if i hadn't thought kissing him was terrible. i felt like telling him the same thing he told me he's said to other guys in the past: you don't know what you're doing!


all in all, britney was right but my ever growing list of failures is proving that it's easier said than done. 

pda (i just don't care)

or so says john legend anyway.

i find myself asking myself the same question.

what do you think?

now that i've all but announced to my adult students that i'll be gone in two weeks time, i've found myself with a newfound freedom, divulging more of myself to them than ever before. this includes sexuality, which i don't find appropriate as classroom fodder for any students or teachers in a classroom setting. however, i've been asking myself if i thought it would be okay to let loose a little in social settings.

well let loose i may have done last night when i invited a boy to a party where one of my students was in attendance. considering all of the factors, do you think light pda is appropriate or not within the visibility of your students?

say what?

look what made me jump back in astonishment at hallmark:

i've never seen one before, the lone same-sex couple card amidst a sea of different-sex couple cards.

early spring checklist

two-week all expense paid sping fellowship in korea: disqualified

inevitably missing spring term at sogang and a spring wedding: ☑

teaching job in tbd location in seoul waiting for me in may: ☑

finding out my english student is a go-go dancer at splash yet married (to a woman):  ☑

new york city teaching fellows four hour interview:  ☑

circumventing central park once by running: ☑

 

heartbreak-related depression

alexis joel, of recent failed sucide fame, wrote yesterday that she wants to 

help young girls with something I know a GREAT deal about: Heartbreak-Related Depression. Although it does not get much attention in our society, it is a very serious and painful condition that often gets swept under the carpet. I hope to bring this topic more to light.

and today my cutie left me, perhaps for forever. that kid could do no wrong but as much as i love him, i'm officially "letting him go" so that he can grow up like he should. the heartbreak hotel is back in business. 

korean crooner

my newest obession as far as male voices go is taec yeon, the unofficial new leader of 2PM, korean singing and dancing sensations. when he had to share the spotlight with recently departed jae bum (a.k.a. resident shirt taker-offer and original chocolate abs), no one paid much attention to him but now that has all changed. he's the official rapper of 2PM and sonically, he voice is very low. in my book, a low voice is synonymous with sexiness. lower voice increase sexiness exponentially. and so without further ado, treat yourself to some:

"heartbeat"
fast foward to the 00:45 mark (and/or the end to see him rip his shirt off):


"my ear's candy" 00:30:


and just for good measure (if you didn't already peek):

introducing

partly due to recent confusion of the tae hyuns and partly due to my desire, it would be my pleasure to introduce tae hyun #2 (a.k.a. the one who didn't ruin my trip to montreal) to you.

here is a random selection from our skype sessions:









you can probably tell from the various photos that we've had many a skype session. and i have a hunch also that you can imagine why i find him so adorable. i would like to write more recent revelations about him but i'll quit before i incriminate myself.

warning

practicing your korean speaking for over one hour on top of the hours already spent studying it may will result in a persistent headache. and the need to drink alcohol and go out to the gay bar on your last saturday night in seoul.

unsuccessful hacking may end in fits of laughter

tonight i decided to try to hack into tae hyun's cyworld minihompy, korea's version of facebook. he's logged into it on my computer before so i figured it'd be no problem. well, the first time i was unsuccessful accessing this web page so i joked to him about it via text message. at that time though, i became busy so when i came back to my computer three hours later to try to hack it again, i was unsuccessful again, but this time for a different reason. this time i found his minihompy but it was locked with just one diary message written:

never try to hack my cyworld
mr. kochenash

adorbs, if i do say so myself. and i do.

does age really matter?

ah, the age-old question (pun intended).

after over a year of proclaiming my disdain for members of the younger set, i recently entered into a relationship with a boy five years my junior. he still lives at home. he just started university last semester. he's innocent as hell. and i don't hate it.

although he still has to bow down to his father for everything, he's surprisingly mature for his age and incredibly proactive at making up excuses to explain to his father about why he can't come home at night (which i love).

but all-in-all, maybe he's opening up a new worldview to me that was impossible for me to recognize before: young'ns may not be that bad after all. his innocence is endearing as hell and it reminds me of myself at that age: brave and free of worries before i became jaded and cynical. also, because he's a student and it's summer vacation, he has all the time in the world to be my companion.

so this begs the question: just what is it that i desired in an older man to begin with? though usually financially independent, so far, even the older men i've met in korea are still living at home, still studying in university, still lying to their parents about their life, and still only getting by with having only one date a week on saturday night. and if they aren't living at home and are working, they're always working. what type of relationship can i have with that person?

this only introduces my point but i have to wonder: is age really just a number?

pheromone-infused soap?

thanks Dial, for this invention. but while you're at it, why don't you also concoct a formula for men to attract men. i could totally see some cheek gays buying that. of course, it'd be shelved next to axe body spray. in fact, why not do us all a favor and package the two together? because i know that when i go out on the town, no one will be able to resist the pheromone-infused soap/axe combination. that's a double blow.

the battle of the 태현s

tonight was date night with the previously introduced 태현 #2. how on earth i met another is beyond me and the parallels between them are not limited to their names only.

the first 태현 came into my life after the new year and we spent a wonderfully peaceful five weeks together. we had also surprisingly met at a club, an experience and expectation neither of us had had before.

the second 태현 came into my life just three weeks ago and we are also cherishing our time together. oddly enough, we also met at a club where he had the cojones to dance right up to me.

both are also taller than me.

there are some differences too though.

the first 태현 was an older jaded type while the second 태현 is a cute minor (19!) with innocence bubbling over. (in this case, i've found that i prefer the latter more.) also, the first went back to toronto after five weeks but this time around, i'm the one leaving while the second stays behind. finally, the first was a quiet, brooding type while the second is much more talkative and forthright with his feelings.

whatever this all means probably isn't important but if the third time's the charm can be used for people too, here's to meeting 태현 the third.

the curse of 태

hmm, i've joked about it before but there must be something about boys with 태 in their name that makes me gravitate towards them. it's no secret that i drool over 박태환 (park tae hwan), swimmer and model extradionaire. but besides marine boy himself (who is way out of my league), all the태's in my life here have been rather significant: woo tae, tae hyun, and coinidentally, tae hyun #2 (in that order). without going into details on how each was significant in my life, i find it extremely strange that in my limited, almost non-existent affairs with boys here, the three relationships i've managed to have have all had their names in common. either the name pool for koreans really is remarkably small or i'm destined to mister stephen tae something or another. my guess is on the former.

alejandro sanz

i discovered this man years ago, thanks to my two guatemalan music sharing friends and brothers. known more in america for his duet with shakira in the song "la tortura," alejandro has been a legend in spain and other spanish speaking countries for over a decade and there's no doubt why: he has one of the sexiest voices i have ever heard. hearing his voice alone during the choruses of "la tortura" is enough to send me into overdrive. nevermind the images of him taking shakira at the chopping board while prepearing dinner. so, it also doesn't hurt that he, himself, is sexy. or that he's from the province of jerez whose principal city is cadiz, the city that captured my heart when i spent three weeks there in 2004. he is a local hero there, even leading the carnival parade, the largest and most popular festival in the city. since then, i've been working on procuring my residence there, with alejandro in his jerez home, as his wife, but i have yet to hear back.

below, alejandro is pictured for his "no es lo mismo" album. of note is his torro (bull) tattoo, which all spainards often arrogantly identify with.

to tell or not to tell

the most defining act as a gay is without a doubt, coming out of the closet, particularly to family. there are numerous factors that weigh in on whether to come out or not, but in the end, i firmly believe that you either have the courage to do it or you don't.



as a gay who has come out of the closet to his family, i am very critical of those who don't for various reasons. it seems the most effective reason for gays never leaving the closet is the burden that their homosexuality will have on their parents. for me, this is a non-facter.



in my overly-simplified analysis the coming out experience i believe you choose your destiny: either you live an entire life of lies, or you live freely, no matter the consequences.



i recently met a gay 23-year-old korean boy who confessed to me that he wanted to "keep his problem secret from his family forever, if possible." up until that point, he had been courting me and it was then that i had to say goodbye. most of the men i meet who hold the same view have a hat filled with excuses in which they just pull out one right after the other to try to justify their thinking. the most common excuse is "this is not america. in america it's easy!"



this is like adding fuel to the fire. coming out is not easy for anyone, anywhere. and how can they think america is so open to homosexuality?



many of us live in bubbles. but putting accepting regional bubbles or circles of friendly friends aside, most of america doesn't condone homosexuality.



last night, a gay aussie confided in me that if i was looking for love in korea, i would never find it. what did he have to back that up? 8 and 1/2 years of living as an expatriate in seoul. he revealed that most koreans put family and friends before romantic relationships, particularly gays who find it difficult to see why they should live their lives out in the open.

what concerns me the most about it all though is that the gays i meet seemingly carelessly live gay secret lives and then refer to their sexuality as a "problem." or that have the balls to ask me not to out them to others, pulling me in with their lies. or that they could even conceive of the fact that not telling their parents would be a better decision than lying to themselves or waiting until they've travelled farther down the road.

number one, you have to be true to yourself, no matter what.

number two, if there's any doubt in your mind that you will tell your parents later in life, do it now. it's only going to be worse for you when you're older, when they're older. you might have a boyfriend or bevliving with someone; imagine them trying to digest this additional information all at once. telling them now gives them the time to cope with it and hopefully, come to terms with it so that later down the road, other obstacles will come much more easily.

number three, if you're parents truly love you, they will be there for you. even if they kick you out and claim to never want to speak to you again, if you ever are in trouble, chances are they'll help you out despite how they feel about your sexuality.

number four, it's not a problem. banishing that correlation in your mind is step one.

coming out is not easy. there are some lucky ones whose families make it easier for them but no matter what, living a lie is a dark shadow on your character and the only way to be enlightened is to tell the truth. in the end, if you're always afraid, no one will ever come to accept it. to tell or not to tell: it's not a question.