alienation

i'm not out of the loop -- well, actually i am, figuratively speaking.

what i mean is that over the past few years, i've come to a realization that the way i choose to live my life somewhat purposely alienates me from getting closer to others. most recently, my resolve has been tested in a country where eating meat is the standard. it pretty frequently occurs that people are shocked i can be a vegetarian in korea and respond with my favorite line: "well, i love meat!" as if i've personally offended them so much that they need to go on the defensive. 

so because i'm living my life going against the grain, i probably eat 90% of my meals alone, skipping out on opportunities to eat communally because i won't enjoy sitting at a barbecue pit barbecuing meat while fielding questions from people who never once in their life thought about how their actions affect others, the world. and so while my acquaintances get closer, i get farther away from everyone, most noticeably my coworkers and classmates who continually share their lives over meals together.

and while at first, i was a little upset that i was purposely alienating myself from others, especially when it's the social situations where i can practice speaking korean that i need to attend, i've realized that this is my life and i'm not going to change just go with the crowd.

that's absolutely not how i live my life. i live it with principles and even if it makes my life more difficult, i'm not going to change because i know what i'm doing is the right thing for me. i'm stephen, and there's no one else i'd rather be. except for maybe a millionaire.

unsolved mysteries

forget the syndicated show that still scares the crap out of me every time (so much so that i have to turn the television on mute when the song comes on), one of the biggest unsolved mysteries of my life that continues to eat me up is: What ever happyed to my tutor, Jae Hyun?

i never wrote about it before but in december, when his girlfriend came to new york, we lost contact with each other. well, that's one way of putting it.

after some time weeks had gone by and i realized it was getting strange that he had never phoned me to meet his girlfriend or even to resume our language exchange, i wrote him an e-mail to touch base with him.

three very deep and apologetic e-mails, and a sprinkle of drunken text messages later, i still have not heard from him after eight months.

and the truth is, i miss him so much. i cannot wrap my brain around why he won't talk to me anymore. my brother, who raved about me to my friends, who came skipping up to me with the biggest grin on his face because he was happy to see me again after my five-day vacation. he who accompanied me to montreal with merely a day notice.

all i'm left with is questions and this picture i found on facebook of his elusive self after unsuccessfully stalking him online for an hour. i remember him showing this photo to me before in new york, of the time he volunteered in the phillipines building houses for those less fortunate.

i do know that we live in the same country again and at any moment i could run into him on the subway and what would happen? if he wanted to talk to me, he would have and that is probably the part that hurts the most. RIP 김재현 - may we meet again some day.

there's something about stephen

a deep dark secret: mosquitoes hate me.

and for twenty-five years of my life i have wondered what it was like to be bit, what all the complaining was about.

until now. it is not my first time in korea so what about me has changed? two weeks ago was the first attack, when i could barely catch a wink of sleep because of the buzzing in my ears and itching of my skin. when i turned the lights on and discovered what had happened, i was absolutely speechless. FIVE bites; that's more than i can remember in my entire life!

i was very angry with the world the next day but the next two weeks passed pretty peacefully without even a sight of those pesky insects. until tuesday night, a.k.a. the night i needed to get a lot of sleep. i don't know how i forced myself into the covers at 11PM but i would be making many an exit that night.

again, I WAS ATTACKED.

THREE hours of sleep
FIVE mosquito bites
LIMITLESS questions as to Why???

why me? why now? why on the night i needed sleep the most?

so frustrating. i literally cannot even fall asleep because i'm so sensitive/fearful of the buzzing and so angry about it all. if it wasn't for this amazing ointment i picked up from the pharmacy, i'd be unbearable living with the scars to prove it. no, really. the first night i arrived back in korea i also got bit and being as immune to mosquitoes as i (had) been, i couldn't even fathom that it was because of the blood-suckers. so for two days i scratched and suffered until i went to the pharmacy where the pharmacist unleashed the brutal truth on me. and because i didn't put the ointment on immediately, i literally have two scars that are never going to go away.

so what gives? one thing at least: my promise to kill every last one of those -- those -- those that ever cross my path. i'm sorry, karma. really, really sorry.

what's happening to me?

this could be my incredible hulk moment: when my muscles start bulging, ripping my clothes right off my body. when i ask myself: what's happening to me?

yesterday i took the level three final for my korean studies and was very confused. the confusing part being that i've been blowing off homework and participation in class for a while now and hardly studied for the exam but somehow, i found it, dare i say, strangely easy.

perhaps i was just lucky. but while my classmates were complaining, i was trying to meddle through the confusion of how this could be easier than the midterm, when i actually gave a darn.

this could only mean one thing in my book: i must have failed!

and today i had a twenty minute interview with a teacher where i had to show off my stuttering grammer skills.

tomorrow will be d-day, not only for my grades, but also for the promised lady gaga bad romance dance i will performed at the graduation ceremonly in front of, sogang university only knows how many, language students. needless to say, my half-full bottles of alcohol sitting in the fridge now will all be gone by the time i leave this house tomorrow. i need all the liquid courage i can get, for i am no dancer.

rain

yesterday i had a very strange experience "meeting" rain. i put "meeting" in quotation marks because it was more along the lines of stalking.

i met my old classmate yesterday after not seeing her for about ten months. shiho, said classmate, is a rabid kpop fan and even revealed to me yesterday that the reason she stopped studying korean after nine months is because she wanted to chase the kpop idols around seoul while they carried out their various activities. she even showed me a picture of rain who she coincidentally bumped into last month in seoul.

this prompted a very long conversation about rain's recent comeback activities and how much more handsome he has gotten. we wondered if had bones in his body because he recently made famous a dance that certainly can't be performed with a spine.

fast-forward to us leaving the cafe and there he was. i saw him first and made eye contact and there was nothing nonchalant about my shocked and confused facial expression, i'm sure. then shiho saw him, the superstar with poreless, glowing skin, walking along friends/security on the streets of fukuoka. how is it that we see him here, of all places? well, probably because he has a concert here tonight that neither of us "fans" knew about.

so after doubled over a little, my rabid fan friend shiho grabbed me and made me follow him to starbucks where we waited outside for about fifteen minutes wondering how we should approach him. the entire time i was starting to get stick to my stomach, just wanting to leave him in peace. soon enough, he came out and shiho then stalked him into a store where we waited outside for thirty minutes for him. she managed to get a handshake out of him but he wasn't being so friendly.

meanwhile, i was completely doubled over in embarrassment at this point. while he was shopping, his friends/security were outside and told shiho to please just leave him alone. and since i just wanted to get the hell out of there i went up to them and pleaded with them to convince him to take a picture with her quickly so it could be over. no such thing would happen. only more toture awaited me as i constantly had to argue with shiho about what to do. i felt like i was stuck between a rock and a hard place: it's my friend's dream to meet these people and i hadn't seen her for 10 months but i felt so uncomfortable stalking him.

the entire ordeal had a very anti-climatic ending. i spent most of the time sitting down with the security guard shooting the shit while shiho called every rain fan in her phonebook while positioning herself to cut him off at the shop's entrance. well, he left with his entourage and shiho pleaded with me to continue to follow them and after all of the fuss was over, they had disappeared.

the morale to this story however is you can do, or in this case, see, anything two obsessed fans put their mind to.

things i didn't miss about korea / things i don't miss about nyc

things i didn't miss about korea:

absolutely no enforcement of smoking laws and regulations make it impossible to escape clouds of toxicity.

the smelly fart odor that lingers on the street, seemingly in bubbles.

having to re-enter the closet of repression.

trying to have relationships with gays that have never left the closet of repression.

things i don't miss about nyc:

tipping!

the complete lack of any structured subway schedule.

loud, disgusting, obnoxious, rude, inconsiderate, unaware people that abounded in the mass transit areas.

having to worry about where i was going to find my next bathroom and how much i would have to pay for it.

rants

is it just me or does it seem like every person in the city of seoul goes out of their way to obstruct my walking path? traveling on foot here is just as annoying as traveling by car, where pedestrians forgo any and all traffic laws and where you can reach a brisk pace one minute and then the next stopped in a stand-still. i really need to move out of sinchon, a.k.a. the gateway to me losing my sanity-land.

also, while it relatively pain-free to open a bank account here, restrictions still apply. restrictions that prevent me from ever using my card as debit or taking out money from the same banking institution after working hours without paying a fee! that is absolutely ludicrous.

many problems for foreigners in korea after they arrive arise from trying to procure a mobile telephone or anything of semblance to it. if you don't have an immigration, which often takes weeks to get, you can just as well forget about telecommunication. that is, unless you go to the back alley in itaewon where pakistani vendors will sell you a cellular phone you swore you saw on full house. well, they're not that bad but they are incredibly user-unfriendly. simple tasks like writing and sending a text message can take up to !five minutes and there are no "page twos" force you to convey what you want in 80 characters or less or else send it mid sentence and then start an entirely new message. on top of this, switching between letters, numbers, and languages can be up to five keystrokes and simply turning the phone on silent requires searching and paging through a series of menus. is the inconvenience of using a cell phone worth the convenience of having one?

missing

navy blue cotton shorts with a foldover waist detail and cuff

beige boat shorts with wide waistband

navy blue sheen pleated shorts with black button details

tuxedo shorts with pocket flap details

black samsung cell phone that slides open

IF FOUND PLEASE CALL 567-869-6463 (LOST MY MIND)

the kochenash family

as i mature, the more i don't know what to think about my family. i love them, but i really resent all of those things that are out of my control. for example, being raised in such a non-nuclear family. i absolutely regret the fact that my entire family doesn't live close together but moreover, i get upset by some member's complete lack of interest in each other. it's a really hard thing when you carve out a chunk of your life to dedicate to spend time with your family and they don't care. we travel miles to be together and one spends the entire night watching baseball while at the dinner table and the other won't stop flirting with his constant appendages.

most of all though, i'd like to know when family stops being family. when they do you favors but expect something in return? when they continually hold non-issues over your head? when during times of trouble, they prefer to blame you for each and every wrong instead of taking your side?

for these reasons, i don't think i'll ever be close to my family. they certainly don't make it worth it.

my real family is my friends, make no bones about it.

my regularly scheduled programming

well, i'm back in gurnee and there's not much to say about it. so instead of bore you with a recap of my mother's bootcamp, i'll bore you instead with my daily viewing pleasures.

9-10: Oprah
10-11: The View
11-12: The Wendy Williams Show
12-2: Wife Swap
2-3: misc.
3-4: Ellen
4-5: sometimes Tyra, sometimes misc.
5-8: nothing scheduled
8-10: whatever the shows of the night are
Monday: nothing
Tuesday: Idol or Glee
Wednesday: ANTM or Idol
Thursday: Real Housewives
and if I make it until 10.....
10-11: Repeat of The O'Reilly Factor

literally, i have nothing to do here. my biggest acccomplishment has been adjusting to this new television schedule after having eastern pacific airtimes ingrained in my brain. sometimes i work out, depending on how many different gyms i can fool into thinking i'm actually going to join. i cook healthy meals for my mother. i drive places to go exercise and then reflect on the fact that i spend more time actually driving to the place than actually exercising. such is life in the suburbs and boy, i'm really took seemingly unimportant things for granted. like walking. i genuinely miss walking. and not browsing at a store, but straight-up hustlin'.

another thing i miss is old friends but gina will be here soon and so we will be reunited after two years. there's something to look forward to. sometthing.

the backup plan

unlike jennifer lopez, my backup plan is not to have a baby with my best gay friend. in fact, my backup plan far exceeds pregnancy, babies, and falling in love with someone who is not my gbff. it involves the one and only koreauuhhhh.

tonight i leave toronto and tomorrow will be the first day of the end of new york and america, the third time over. more than being nervous about going back to korea though, i am already regretting promising a month stay to my mom at her abode. not because i will get to see my high school bffs, but because my stay will likely end in my mother and i at each other's necks. i can't help but think i'd rather stay in nyc for the month of may and gallivant in the spring sunshine instead of dying a slow miserable death in the 'burbs of chicago.

but for better or for worse, i'm trying to be the best son i can be.

so here's the final two weeks of the city where dreams are made of. and where only in my dreams i could imagined an extended-family like mine.

gratitude

returning to new york was and has been quite challenging, more than expected. fortunately, i have a good family from who i could not have asked for more. even though i may have held back from expressing my gratitude, i have secretly calculated every ounce of generosity and have tallied a list of those people who i honestly, can't thank enough. with a month left, here is an expression of my gratitude, in no particular order.

john strom has humored me several times with his early a.m. gay remix sessions to force me out of my slumber and he was the original wing-man to my regrettably, hard-partying days after i returned from korea. i definitely owe him for getting me a job too so that i didn't completely flounder but for also getting me out of all the shifts i didn't want to work. conversations with the strom proved to be most enjoyable though; we have one of those relationships where we absolutely vibe with each other and cause me to double over in hysterics. he is without a doubt, one of the most unique and interesting people i have ever met.

my other roommate paul isn't so bad either. he pretends like he's not really interested in me because i'm a crazy person but i can tell deep-down, he thrives off of my insanity. i do appreciate him keeping his cool when i've secretly snuck his snacks into my mouth or left the dishes in the sink until the end of the day so i could do them all at once. or for not getting mad at me when i used up all his aveda products (i swear he told me he gets them for free!). and as much as we may bicker like an old married couple, the fun i have having it out with him also leaves me with a huge smile on my face (that leaves many other new yorkers confused as to why i'm so happy!).

let me continue with the boys and thank mister edward, a most unlikely friend. turns out that after living in new york off and on for seven years, someone i had only met a handful of times two years ago would turn out to be quite an available and supportive bestie. i don't know what i did to deserve so much love but it has actually made me feel loved and not like a complete loser. and just when i have edward pegged as a nerd with an edge for fashion, i witness him getting down and dirrrty to the likes of beyonce and kelis and all my preconceived notions of him have gone out the window. in fact, more things may have gone out the window than preconceived notions. like say, restraint. flash-forward to us getting down and dirrrty on the dancefloor together and many great memories flood my mind.

and now for the girls. first up in my girl megan, mostly for rushing out to see me the day after i got in and even more so for putting up with all my bullshit. little did she know that when she put me on her family plan for a cell phone, i would always pay my bill late. i do have to thank her for gifting me her old cell phone too. girl really knows how to make me feel special.

miss d'ne brown ain't too bad either. i was unsure of how our relationship would pick up after two years of my absence but i have realized after the past few months that it's better now than it ever has been. most suprisingly, i am astonished with how unbelievably patient she has been with me, a virtue that doesn't come naturally to her. and we've bumped up the cuddling to kissing! at this rate we'll be heading to the chapel in no time. absolutely no one beats the spontaneity of this girl, a vertible whirlwind wherever we go. you will also be fed well. she is the queen of sharing and will not make any bones about inviting you into her world;  her world is a warm, wonderful world which i love living in. so here's to her too for loving me unconditionally.

my final notable is not for one person, but for all my students. even though the job market may not have worked in my favor, i have been able to do what i love: teach. waking up and going to work everyday is something i'll hate no matter what, but when i get to the classroom and i see the shining smiles of my students, i cheer up. and when i make them laugh with incredibly cheesy jokes, i laugh, loudly and uncontrollably and the hours pass and another day has finished.

and i'm still alive.

thank you family. more than words can even say.

love,
yours truly
stephen

decisiveness

i have lots of opinions and it astonishes me that some things are debated about for years before any resolutions are reached. so i'm offering my help to fix the problems myself.

number one: i saw a political ad on t.v. today condemning governor paterson for suggesting a tax on beverages containing more than 70% sugar. gasp! you know what gov paterson should do? pass it. he may not be an angel but people in new york are FAT FAT FAT. they also sometimes have little concern over how they spend their money too; they willingly pay $12 dollars for a vodka tonic, $5 for coat check, and over $9 for one pack of cigarrettes. so there is no reason keeping them from buying sugary drinks at an elevated taxed price if they really want a coca-cola that bad. in the end, new york needs the money.

number two: president obama is not the only person in the history of the united states that has wanted to change the country for the better in sacrifice of our national budget. i'm not even going to reference any of the previous instances where presidents got us into something none of us could agree on the benefit of. but God forbid obama want poor people (me included) to have healthcare, then everyone raises their arms in protest. get over it people. there are people that never go see a doctor about their ailments because they can't afford it and guess what? THEY DIE. the greatest nations of the world have universal healthcare and some deem it our "God-given" right, so if we have a country supporting our health there's no telling how strong and prosperous our country could become in the future.

at the same rate though....
number three: we really need to definite definition of healthcare. because if i fall down the stairs and need hip replacement surgery, that counts. but if there's nothing instigating the decision besides desire, it's a choice and it should not be included under the umbrella of healthcare. i'm sure you can think of the choices i'm thinking of.

number four: my last beef of the day is with the nyc mta. for years and years they've been talking about cutting services and increasing fees because they're constantly in a deficit (due to their own mental dimness no doubt). lots of families have been up in arms that the nyc mta want to start charging k-12 students to ride the public bus. i say do it. just because they're kids and taking the bus is a necessity both for safety and education, it's ridiculous that they've been getting away with not paying even a dime every day to go to school. sorry parents, but considering the other things you spend your money on (going back to number one), you can certainly afford even a mere 50 cent fare for your child's bus ride. what does it matter anyway? if they don't make students start paying, the parent's will just have to pay more so it equals out anyway. think about it. and if the nyc mta can get student's to pay just 50 cents, it's certainly going to help the deficit in a substantial way.

finally, on a lighter note.....
number five: after reliving the horror that was september 11th for four hours on the discovery network's chronicle of the tragedy last night, i have 100 percent reaffirmed my belief that New York City is the Greatest City in the World. it may not be my city anymore, but watching that footage was even more chilling this time than it was when i was so far removed from it emotionally and physically ten years ago. I Love New York and its resilency. but if there's one thing that we still need to do, it's capture osama bin-laden.

perhaps this would have better been titled 'rants III.'

where am i?

one of my favorite things about living in korea was rainy season. 장마 lasted from june to july and i spent many of its nights roaming around the streets taking in reflection of neon lights in the rain.

but i'm in new york now, so why has it rained for the past four days? i thought the worst of it was having the wind blowing from all directions, making it impossible to keep my umbrella from being blown inside out. i must of underestimated the severity of the storm though because apparently, in some places, they haven't had power for days and even trees fell on houses. well, i guess on of the good things about living in the city is we don't have many trees and the wind can't really blow down a skyscraper. knock on wood.

early spring checklist

two-week all expense paid sping fellowship in korea: disqualified

inevitably missing spring term at sogang and a spring wedding: ☑

teaching job in tbd location in seoul waiting for me in may: ☑

finding out my english student is a go-go dancer at splash yet married (to a woman):  ☑

new york city teaching fellows four hour interview:  ☑

circumventing central park once by running: ☑

 

it's a bugs life

one of the joys of living in a nyc apartment, no matter the age, nor the frequency of the exterminator, is bugs. lots of bugs. when you turned on the light in the morning, you can see them scurrying off in a thousand different directions. here are some of the not so lucky ones:

 

 

I'm a Vegetarian

i recently stopped by the New York Public Library to get my hands on something to keep my mind busy and left with this.

 

i found it in the young adult section as it is aimed at educating the younger set on being a vegetarian. nevertheless, it has been a wealth of information to a newbie vegetarian like me who needs to be explained everything in the simplest of terms. actually, i thought this introduction into vegetarianism tackled some great subjects such as 'how to deal with the backlash from critical friends and family' and 'dispelling common myths.' basically it explains that if you are tolerant of others' viewpoints and have a balanced diet, you will survive and get all of the vitamins and minerals skeptics claim are missing. furthermore, the book explains all of the different food groups, offers sample daily menus, and even recipes to start out with. 

what really surprised me is that the word 'vegetarian' doesn't come from 'vegetable' but rather the latin word 'vegetus,' meaning lively or vigorous. apparently the vegetarian society used it to describe how the diet made them feel. interesting, huh?

now, for some jokes:

What did the cow say when the farmer decided to become a vegetarian? 

That's moo-sic to my ears!

What did the tired tomato say to the lazy lettuce?

Let's veg out.

What did the white potato say to the yellow potato?

You're sweet.

And finally: What did one vegetarian spy say to the other vegetarian spy?

We have to stop meating like this. 

HA HA HA....

heartbreak-related depression

alexis joel, of recent failed sucide fame, wrote yesterday that she wants to 

help young girls with something I know a GREAT deal about: Heartbreak-Related Depression. Although it does not get much attention in our society, it is a very serious and painful condition that often gets swept under the carpet. I hope to bring this topic more to light.

and today my cutie left me, perhaps for forever. that kid could do no wrong but as much as i love him, i'm officially "letting him go" so that he can grow up like he should. the heartbreak hotel is back in business. 

stereotyped: fat people 'r' us

since i've been back to nyc, i've seen the fattest people i can remember from my entire life. one man i saw on the public bus was easily 400 pounds and his clan of three kids + wife were well on their way too. he alone took up !three seats on the bus.

so is it true: are american's fat?

no, not all of them. but for as many healthy people there are in nyc, there are just as many overweight people, even life-threateningly obese people. and in my opinion, it seems the average falls around slightly overweight, especially in the mid-section.

however, let it be noted that this trend hasn't prevented anyone from also wearing less clothes than i've seen in a year. bulging bellies be damned, sheer tank-tops with spaghetti straps will be worn!

the battle of the B blood types

actually, i'm not a B blood type but i often joke that i am due to my often slew of requests when making plans with friends. for example, it's not unusual for me to request rice or noodles, depending on the meal, at a restaurant that's not expensive, has natural light, is on my subway/bus line, and isn't a chain. then at the restaurant i usually have to eat something hot and i like to sit for a while and relax afterwards while my food digests. as you can see, the must-haves easily add up even though i'm actually blood type O.

what does this all mean? well, in my experience i've found it to be true that B blood types are difficult to get along with while O blood types are their perfect easy-going companion. a B blood type is the kind of person that will make you switch a restaurant because of cigarette smoke after you've already sat down at the table. and an O blood type is the kind of person who would be understanding of that.

but not me. ask me to switch a restaurant because of cigarette smoke and i'll totally be annoyed.

so, for this reason, it's no surprise that i'm having a great deal of trouble maintaining a friendship with a BB blood type person. as if one B wasn't enough. then if you factor in that i also act like a B, this situation spells BBB trouble.