authenticity

being a long-term fan of e.r., the successful nbc thursday night medical drama, carrie weaver is just one of the captivating characters with a life story unfolding before our eyes. and in season seven, her storyline comes to a head when it is revealed she is a closeted lesbian and tries to have a relationship with her coworker who eventually breaks if off after tiring of living carrie's lie.

then in season eight, carrie becomes interested in one of the city's firefighters and her relationship with sandy isn't much different. however, sandy, like me, wants to live her life authentically and doesn't want to be a part of carrie's ongoing charade. carrie's excuse after excuse for not wanting her coworkers to know she's gay becomes too much for sandy who eventually outs her to everyone.

the specific scene that moves me the most though is when carrie and sandy are on a date at a chicago blackhawks game. while they are waiting at the concession stand, carrie sees two coworkers walking in her direction and suddenly, turns her back to sandy and bows her head, obviously wanting to hide. still not having come to terms with her sexuality, she tries adamantly to avoid a confrontation with her coworkers and in the meantime inadvertently, reveals to sandy that she is not out.

needless to say, sandy is not pleased and asks carrie: "How do you think that makes me feel?"

so watching this last night in a country where this situation constantly comes up with my gay acquaintances, i once and for all identified with sandy who is right: how does that make me feel?

frankly, it's compete bullshit to be led on, fooled, duped -- whatever you want to call it -- and then ask me to understand where you're coming from. that kind of behavior is unacceptable and i deserve more r-e-s-p-e-c-t than that. these type of people are only interested in reaping the benefits from being in a relationship while at the same time, avoiding whatever consequences that might come along with it. if you're not ready to live your life authentically, then you should never have come on to me in the first place.

WORD!

alienation

i'm not out of the loop -- well, actually i am, figuratively speaking.

what i mean is that over the past few years, i've come to a realization that the way i choose to live my life somewhat purposely alienates me from getting closer to others. most recently, my resolve has been tested in a country where eating meat is the standard. it pretty frequently occurs that people are shocked i can be a vegetarian in korea and respond with my favorite line: "well, i love meat!" as if i've personally offended them so much that they need to go on the defensive. 

so because i'm living my life going against the grain, i probably eat 90% of my meals alone, skipping out on opportunities to eat communally because i won't enjoy sitting at a barbecue pit barbecuing meat while fielding questions from people who never once in their life thought about how their actions affect others, the world. and so while my acquaintances get closer, i get farther away from everyone, most noticeably my coworkers and classmates who continually share their lives over meals together.

and while at first, i was a little upset that i was purposely alienating myself from others, especially when it's the social situations where i can practice speaking korean that i need to attend, i've realized that this is my life and i'm not going to change just go with the crowd.

that's absolutely not how i live my life. i live it with principles and even if it makes my life more difficult, i'm not going to change because i know what i'm doing is the right thing for me. i'm stephen, and there's no one else i'd rather be. except for maybe a millionaire.

collect 200,000₩ and move forward

these past two and a half months have been exceptionally grueling, working full-time and taking level four korean at school. i was not prepared for what level four challenged me with. i did not heed the warnings that the fourth level would be difficult because out of all the levels, i usually hear that level five is the most difficult. therefore, when i went to school the first day, after listening to the teacher scare speak to us and perusing the textbook, there was a resounding 'WTF' in my head.

so four ten weeks, while my unemployed classmates had lunch together every day and took weekend trips together and studied for hours, completing every tedious homework assignment the teacher gave us, i squeezed in my studying during subway rides to work and on my days off, not uncommonly preparing chapters in advance. therefore, this term really took its toll on me. and i'm not one to brag about my studying korean because it's really just a hobby and it's not like i'm saving lives or something. but this was the first semester that when people asked me how my studying was going, i answered honestly that this term was very difficult. we made a huge jump from baby korean to real korean and since speaking has always been the most challenging for me, i can honestly say i wasn't sure i would pass the final speaking test.

but somehow i did. even though the teacher ignored the list of prepared list of questions that i spent hours upon hours memorizing my answers for, we revolved around the subject of new york and i think for that reason, my anxiety dissipated and i did well. much better than i thought i would do actually. better than my level three speaking test! and on top of that, while it's not out of the ordinary for chinese and japanese classmates to ace tests due to the similarity in languages and mentalities but this time, i actually aced my reading test and it made my entire day.

so in two weeks i'm advancing on to level five and if i don't screw it up, i could be graduating from level six as early as may. seems like, now more than ever, an attainable goal after impressing myself with level four. even though level five is said to be the one that only geniuses can pass, i asked my boss to drastically reduce my work schedule for the next three months to focus on my study and she kindly agreed, so i'll have the time to study. i'm motivated and determined and will try my best to not have to eat my words in three months time.

boys (part two)

sometimes a girl just doesn't need one.

if there's one thing i can be certain about of these past four months in korea, it's that no one can say i haven't tried. unlike last year when i moped and whined, this year the new stephen has been going full-force with the gusto of someone who has learned to swallow much of his pride to almost get what he wants. nevertheless, things haven't exactly gone according to plan. boys in korea are some mutant strain of the male breed that will drive you to your wits end and back, if you yourself have any sort of principles at all. here is just a sample of conversations and situations:

me: where do you live again?
23-year-old i just met: anam. i told u dat 10 thousand times
me: i'm pretty sure you didn't, so save it.

them: you're cute. [kiss on the cheek]
so the next time i see them i tried earnestly to have a conversation with them their native language but to no avail. why would you say i was cute and kiss me one week and then not even try to have a conversation with me the next?

(my personal favorite)
me: i'll send you a pic
them: yes, hurry!
me: ok, after i'm doing eating with my friends.
suddenly polite them: ok, have a good meal!
me two hours later: ok, here.
-no response for a month, two months?-
me suddenly one night on a holiday at 10PM: what the heck? why are they calling?
them without introductions or holiday wishes: what are you doing?
me: watching sex and the city and drinking wine.
them: i'm in seoul at my friends house. wanna meet?
me without thinking: sure
them: ok, i'll go there first and wait for you.
me: ok, give me 30 minutes.
them 30 minutes later: where are you?
me after coming to my senses: i'm still on my way (i was at my house with no intention of going)
them: hurry
me: aren't you with friends tonight?
them: no, not tonight
me furious after realizing he just wanted to use me for entertainment: you have no manners.
                                                                                                      happy holidays! good night.

before they ask my name: are you a top or bottom?
me: hey, do you want to meet sometime?
them: absolutely!
me a few days later: how about tomorrow at 10?
-suddenly no answer-
them a day later two hours before the proposed meeting time: it's kind of late but what will we do?
confused me: sorry, i already made plans with someone else because you took too long.
me the next week: hey, what are you doing sunday?
them: nothing
me: let's meet finally!
them: ok
me on sunday: meet today?
them: no, i'm too hungover.
me the next saturday: hey, i'm out. are you? wanna come?
them: i'm at home but i wanna come. sounds like fun.
-doesn't come-
seriously dude, either you wanna meet or you don't!

unsolved mysteries

forget the syndicated show that still scares the crap out of me every time (so much so that i have to turn the television on mute when the song comes on), one of the biggest unsolved mysteries of my life that continues to eat me up is: What ever happyed to my tutor, Jae Hyun?

i never wrote about it before but in december, when his girlfriend came to new york, we lost contact with each other. well, that's one way of putting it.

after some time weeks had gone by and i realized it was getting strange that he had never phoned me to meet his girlfriend or even to resume our language exchange, i wrote him an e-mail to touch base with him.

three very deep and apologetic e-mails, and a sprinkle of drunken text messages later, i still have not heard from him after eight months.

and the truth is, i miss him so much. i cannot wrap my brain around why he won't talk to me anymore. my brother, who raved about me to my friends, who came skipping up to me with the biggest grin on his face because he was happy to see me again after my five-day vacation. he who accompanied me to montreal with merely a day notice.

all i'm left with is questions and this picture i found on facebook of his elusive self after unsuccessfully stalking him online for an hour. i remember him showing this photo to me before in new york, of the time he volunteered in the phillipines building houses for those less fortunate.

i do know that we live in the same country again and at any moment i could run into him on the subway and what would happen? if he wanted to talk to me, he would have and that is probably the part that hurts the most. RIP 김재현 - may we meet again some day.

there's something about stephen

a deep dark secret: mosquitoes hate me.

and for twenty-five years of my life i have wondered what it was like to be bit, what all the complaining was about.

until now. it is not my first time in korea so what about me has changed? two weeks ago was the first attack, when i could barely catch a wink of sleep because of the buzzing in my ears and itching of my skin. when i turned the lights on and discovered what had happened, i was absolutely speechless. FIVE bites; that's more than i can remember in my entire life!

i was very angry with the world the next day but the next two weeks passed pretty peacefully without even a sight of those pesky insects. until tuesday night, a.k.a. the night i needed to get a lot of sleep. i don't know how i forced myself into the covers at 11PM but i would be making many an exit that night.

again, I WAS ATTACKED.

THREE hours of sleep
FIVE mosquito bites
LIMITLESS questions as to Why???

why me? why now? why on the night i needed sleep the most?

so frustrating. i literally cannot even fall asleep because i'm so sensitive/fearful of the buzzing and so angry about it all. if it wasn't for this amazing ointment i picked up from the pharmacy, i'd be unbearable living with the scars to prove it. no, really. the first night i arrived back in korea i also got bit and being as immune to mosquitoes as i (had) been, i couldn't even fathom that it was because of the blood-suckers. so for two days i scratched and suffered until i went to the pharmacy where the pharmacist unleashed the brutal truth on me. and because i didn't put the ointment on immediately, i literally have two scars that are never going to go away.

so what gives? one thing at least: my promise to kill every last one of those -- those -- those that ever cross my path. i'm sorry, karma. really, really sorry.

what's happening to me?

this could be my incredible hulk moment: when my muscles start bulging, ripping my clothes right off my body. when i ask myself: what's happening to me?

yesterday i took the level three final for my korean studies and was very confused. the confusing part being that i've been blowing off homework and participation in class for a while now and hardly studied for the exam but somehow, i found it, dare i say, strangely easy.

perhaps i was just lucky. but while my classmates were complaining, i was trying to meddle through the confusion of how this could be easier than the midterm, when i actually gave a darn.

this could only mean one thing in my book: i must have failed!

and today i had a twenty minute interview with a teacher where i had to show off my stuttering grammer skills.

tomorrow will be d-day, not only for my grades, but also for the promised lady gaga bad romance dance i will performed at the graduation ceremonly in front of, sogang university only knows how many, language students. needless to say, my half-full bottles of alcohol sitting in the fridge now will all be gone by the time i leave this house tomorrow. i need all the liquid courage i can get, for i am no dancer.

boys (sometimes a girl just needs one)

well, it's been two months since i've landed back in seoul and i've unintentionally wasted no time in getting to know many of the locals. since i have a few hours to spare, and britney commands me to do it, i will debrief.

M: we have an off and on again relationship that's going on three years. we like to kiss and flirt when we're on the hill together but it never goes farther than that. until two weeks ago when i discovered how selfish he could be and consequently, wrote him out of my book (but not my blog). note to self: must resist future temptations coming from his direction even though he is one of the best kissers i've ever met, let alone in korea!

I: i would describe our two year relationship as hot and cold. first hot, then very very cold seeing as though i cut him out of my life for a long time. when i returned to seoul i decided i was going to reverse that decision because i was being ridiculous. so i unsuccessfully tried to make up for lost time by kissing him. instead, i think i just caught him off guard. anyway, he's incredibly sexy and fascinating and unfortunately for me, just a few days later, he started dating someone else. i guess had my chance two years ago and missed it.

GOGO BOY: from the moment i first saw him in his own world, rehearsing in our club, i was captivated. though he paid no mind to me, barely making the effort to turn around and introduce himself, one month later our stars crossed again. three weeks ago at my first night working a gogo party, he appeared out of thin air, presenting himself at the bar, preparing to perform. after he was done shaking his sweaty stuff on stage, he came behind the bar and told me i was cute, taking my breath away. my response wasn't very intelligible but in any case, he had apparently noticed me, and in very good way. not only that, but he rubbed my back, gave me a hug, and a kiss on the cheek! i had no way of knowing that would be the penicle of our relationship though since we've met at the club twice since then and engaged in conversation that has lead to nowhere.

DJ MASTER PROGRESSIVE: the same night gogo boy told me i was cute, i closed down the bar with our resident dj, an incredibly shy and mute individual (go figure). well, the music was finally off so after conversing in his native language for some time, we had dinner (re: breakfast?) and shared a quick kiss at the entrance of the subway. unfortunately, his attraction to me and my attraction to him doesn't make up for the fact that he's not adept at conversing. after a few strong drinks, he becomes significantly more outgoing but that won't make up for i can't have a relationship with him like i think he wants.

O: i must make some mention of him due to his frankness in telling me he'd like to have my babies and then asking me right out if i wanted to have sex with him on this special wednesday afternoon while we were chatting online.

SOGANG BOY: there's a man that i met that lives directly across from my university who is incredibly busy but doesn't mind having a partner during his minimal free time. the problem with him being that he only talks about himself and brags about his prowess, the latter of which wouldn't be such a problem if i hadn't thought kissing him was terrible. i felt like telling him the same thing he told me he's said to other guys in the past: you don't know what you're doing!


all in all, britney was right but my ever growing list of failures is proving that it's easier said than done. 

what are some ways to relieve stress?

that was the question on my students homework and i just love one of his answers. i can't remember anything else he wrote but this (not verbatim):

"sports are a good way to relieve stress because you get sweaty and then take a shower and feel like you're flying"

i'm sure i made a few grammatical corrections for the boy, but he the point is he did shed light on something new and interesting to me.

please excuse me now, i'm heading to the gym.

rain

yesterday i had a very strange experience "meeting" rain. i put "meeting" in quotation marks because it was more along the lines of stalking.

i met my old classmate yesterday after not seeing her for about ten months. shiho, said classmate, is a rabid kpop fan and even revealed to me yesterday that the reason she stopped studying korean after nine months is because she wanted to chase the kpop idols around seoul while they carried out their various activities. she even showed me a picture of rain who she coincidentally bumped into last month in seoul.

this prompted a very long conversation about rain's recent comeback activities and how much more handsome he has gotten. we wondered if had bones in his body because he recently made famous a dance that certainly can't be performed with a spine.

fast-forward to us leaving the cafe and there he was. i saw him first and made eye contact and there was nothing nonchalant about my shocked and confused facial expression, i'm sure. then shiho saw him, the superstar with poreless, glowing skin, walking along friends/security on the streets of fukuoka. how is it that we see him here, of all places? well, probably because he has a concert here tonight that neither of us "fans" knew about.

so after doubled over a little, my rabid fan friend shiho grabbed me and made me follow him to starbucks where we waited outside for about fifteen minutes wondering how we should approach him. the entire time i was starting to get stick to my stomach, just wanting to leave him in peace. soon enough, he came out and shiho then stalked him into a store where we waited outside for thirty minutes for him. she managed to get a handshake out of him but he wasn't being so friendly.

meanwhile, i was completely doubled over in embarrassment at this point. while he was shopping, his friends/security were outside and told shiho to please just leave him alone. and since i just wanted to get the hell out of there i went up to them and pleaded with them to convince him to take a picture with her quickly so it could be over. no such thing would happen. only more toture awaited me as i constantly had to argue with shiho about what to do. i felt like i was stuck between a rock and a hard place: it's my friend's dream to meet these people and i hadn't seen her for 10 months but i felt so uncomfortable stalking him.

the entire ordeal had a very anti-climatic ending. i spent most of the time sitting down with the security guard shooting the shit while shiho called every rain fan in her phonebook while positioning herself to cut him off at the shop's entrance. well, he left with his entourage and shiho pleaded with me to continue to follow them and after all of the fuss was over, they had disappeared.

the morale to this story however is you can do, or in this case, see, anything two obsessed fans put their mind to.

things i didn't miss about korea / things i don't miss about nyc

things i didn't miss about korea:

absolutely no enforcement of smoking laws and regulations make it impossible to escape clouds of toxicity.

the smelly fart odor that lingers on the street, seemingly in bubbles.

having to re-enter the closet of repression.

trying to have relationships with gays that have never left the closet of repression.

things i don't miss about nyc:

tipping!

the complete lack of any structured subway schedule.

loud, disgusting, obnoxious, rude, inconsiderate, unaware people that abounded in the mass transit areas.

having to worry about where i was going to find my next bathroom and how much i would have to pay for it.

rants

is it just me or does it seem like every person in the city of seoul goes out of their way to obstruct my walking path? traveling on foot here is just as annoying as traveling by car, where pedestrians forgo any and all traffic laws and where you can reach a brisk pace one minute and then the next stopped in a stand-still. i really need to move out of sinchon, a.k.a. the gateway to me losing my sanity-land.

also, while it relatively pain-free to open a bank account here, restrictions still apply. restrictions that prevent me from ever using my card as debit or taking out money from the same banking institution after working hours without paying a fee! that is absolutely ludicrous.

many problems for foreigners in korea after they arrive arise from trying to procure a mobile telephone or anything of semblance to it. if you don't have an immigration, which often takes weeks to get, you can just as well forget about telecommunication. that is, unless you go to the back alley in itaewon where pakistani vendors will sell you a cellular phone you swore you saw on full house. well, they're not that bad but they are incredibly user-unfriendly. simple tasks like writing and sending a text message can take up to !five minutes and there are no "page twos" force you to convey what you want in 80 characters or less or else send it mid sentence and then start an entirely new message. on top of this, switching between letters, numbers, and languages can be up to five keystrokes and simply turning the phone on silent requires searching and paging through a series of menus. is the inconvenience of using a cell phone worth the convenience of having one?

the backup plan

unlike jennifer lopez, my backup plan is not to have a baby with my best gay friend. in fact, my backup plan far exceeds pregnancy, babies, and falling in love with someone who is not my gbff. it involves the one and only koreauuhhhh.

tonight i leave toronto and tomorrow will be the first day of the end of new york and america, the third time over. more than being nervous about going back to korea though, i am already regretting promising a month stay to my mom at her abode. not because i will get to see my high school bffs, but because my stay will likely end in my mother and i at each other's necks. i can't help but think i'd rather stay in nyc for the month of may and gallivant in the spring sunshine instead of dying a slow miserable death in the 'burbs of chicago.

but for better or for worse, i'm trying to be the best son i can be.

so here's the final two weeks of the city where dreams are made of. and where only in my dreams i could imagined an extended-family like mine.

the wait is over

live blogging on a bus with wireless on the way north to toronto for my "vacation," i should be happy.

over the past few weeks, i've realized that although i do want to go back to korea to finish what i started, i actually want to stay in new york more. this is a crazy city and i'm truly in love with living here even if it's not under the best circumstances. this reminded me of some artwork i discovered at the times square NW platform a few weeks back.

unfortunately, after hyping myself up about this teaching fellowship, i received this in my inbox today:

Thank you for your interest in the NYC Teaching Fellows program and the time you have invested in interviewing with us. We have completed a thorough review of your candidacy, and while we were impressed with your background and experience, we are unable to offer you a Fellowship for the upcoming year.

As you may know, the application process for the Teaching Fellows program is extremely competitive. Each year we receive far more applications from qualified individuals than we have positions available, and this year has been especially selective.

so there you have it. 

where am i?

one of my favorite things about living in korea was rainy season. 장마 lasted from june to july and i spent many of its nights roaming around the streets taking in reflection of neon lights in the rain.

but i'm in new york now, so why has it rained for the past four days? i thought the worst of it was having the wind blowing from all directions, making it impossible to keep my umbrella from being blown inside out. i must of underestimated the severity of the storm though because apparently, in some places, they haven't had power for days and even trees fell on houses. well, i guess on of the good things about living in the city is we don't have many trees and the wind can't really blow down a skyscraper. knock on wood.

early spring checklist

two-week all expense paid sping fellowship in korea: disqualified

inevitably missing spring term at sogang and a spring wedding: ☑

teaching job in tbd location in seoul waiting for me in may: ☑

finding out my english student is a go-go dancer at splash yet married (to a woman):  ☑

new york city teaching fellows four hour interview:  ☑

circumventing central park once by running: ☑

 

the korean invasion

brace yourselves for the biggest thing since ban ki-moon was instated as secretary general of the u.n.:

WHO.A.U has landed stateside! (i wonder what it's doing in the stamford city mall.)

for the majority of my time in korea, i could have sworn this was named after something related to hawaii. but i stood corrected when my best friend yun byoung-chol let me in on the secret: it's a clever way of saying "who are you." those koreans, so clever. 

korean crooner

my newest obession as far as male voices go is taec yeon, the unofficial new leader of 2PM, korean singing and dancing sensations. when he had to share the spotlight with recently departed jae bum (a.k.a. resident shirt taker-offer and original chocolate abs), no one paid much attention to him but now that has all changed. he's the official rapper of 2PM and sonically, he voice is very low. in my book, a low voice is synonymous with sexiness. lower voice increase sexiness exponentially. and so without further ado, treat yourself to some:

"heartbeat"
fast foward to the 00:45 mark (and/or the end to see him rip his shirt off):


"my ear's candy" 00:30:


and just for good measure (if you didn't already peek):

from cutie

a while back, i was pleasantly surprised to receive a package from my cutie.



from left to right:

a lee so-ra's sixth studio album, the "most seoul-ish" postcard he could find, and last but not least, pepero's! needless to say, after opening the package at the post office, i got many concerned looks on the street, most likely due to the wide grin that was painted across my face.

looks like korea

but it's not. reminders of what i'm missing:

at first, it just said 'kyochon: coming soon' and now they've put up a wall that explicitly states what was my worst fear: it won't be until january! you can be sure though that i'll be there opening night for my fill of fried chicken and draft beer.



paris baguette? nope. just a furniture store across from my gym.



jae hyun and i often frequent 'new york kom tang' because they are celebrating their thirtieth anniversary. so we eat delicious food for a mere $5.99, considering the panjan are like free appetizers and it's all healthy. i only hope come january they can be celebrating their thirty-first anniversary with another great deal.