unsolved mysteries

forget the syndicated show that still scares the crap out of me every time (so much so that i have to turn the television on mute when the song comes on), one of the biggest unsolved mysteries of my life that continues to eat me up is: What ever happyed to my tutor, Jae Hyun?

i never wrote about it before but in december, when his girlfriend came to new york, we lost contact with each other. well, that's one way of putting it.

after some time weeks had gone by and i realized it was getting strange that he had never phoned me to meet his girlfriend or even to resume our language exchange, i wrote him an e-mail to touch base with him.

three very deep and apologetic e-mails, and a sprinkle of drunken text messages later, i still have not heard from him after eight months.

and the truth is, i miss him so much. i cannot wrap my brain around why he won't talk to me anymore. my brother, who raved about me to my friends, who came skipping up to me with the biggest grin on his face because he was happy to see me again after my five-day vacation. he who accompanied me to montreal with merely a day notice.

all i'm left with is questions and this picture i found on facebook of his elusive self after unsuccessfully stalking him online for an hour. i remember him showing this photo to me before in new york, of the time he volunteered in the phillipines building houses for those less fortunate.

i do know that we live in the same country again and at any moment i could run into him on the subway and what would happen? if he wanted to talk to me, he would have and that is probably the part that hurts the most. RIP 김재현 - may we meet again some day.

there's something about stephen

a deep dark secret: mosquitoes hate me.

and for twenty-five years of my life i have wondered what it was like to be bit, what all the complaining was about.

until now. it is not my first time in korea so what about me has changed? two weeks ago was the first attack, when i could barely catch a wink of sleep because of the buzzing in my ears and itching of my skin. when i turned the lights on and discovered what had happened, i was absolutely speechless. FIVE bites; that's more than i can remember in my entire life!

i was very angry with the world the next day but the next two weeks passed pretty peacefully without even a sight of those pesky insects. until tuesday night, a.k.a. the night i needed to get a lot of sleep. i don't know how i forced myself into the covers at 11PM but i would be making many an exit that night.

again, I WAS ATTACKED.

THREE hours of sleep
FIVE mosquito bites
LIMITLESS questions as to Why???

why me? why now? why on the night i needed sleep the most?

so frustrating. i literally cannot even fall asleep because i'm so sensitive/fearful of the buzzing and so angry about it all. if it wasn't for this amazing ointment i picked up from the pharmacy, i'd be unbearable living with the scars to prove it. no, really. the first night i arrived back in korea i also got bit and being as immune to mosquitoes as i (had) been, i couldn't even fathom that it was because of the blood-suckers. so for two days i scratched and suffered until i went to the pharmacy where the pharmacist unleashed the brutal truth on me. and because i didn't put the ointment on immediately, i literally have two scars that are never going to go away.

so what gives? one thing at least: my promise to kill every last one of those -- those -- those that ever cross my path. i'm sorry, karma. really, really sorry.

what's happening to me?

this could be my incredible hulk moment: when my muscles start bulging, ripping my clothes right off my body. when i ask myself: what's happening to me?

yesterday i took the level three final for my korean studies and was very confused. the confusing part being that i've been blowing off homework and participation in class for a while now and hardly studied for the exam but somehow, i found it, dare i say, strangely easy.

perhaps i was just lucky. but while my classmates were complaining, i was trying to meddle through the confusion of how this could be easier than the midterm, when i actually gave a darn.

this could only mean one thing in my book: i must have failed!

and today i had a twenty minute interview with a teacher where i had to show off my stuttering grammer skills.

tomorrow will be d-day, not only for my grades, but also for the promised lady gaga bad romance dance i will performed at the graduation ceremonly in front of, sogang university only knows how many, language students. needless to say, my half-full bottles of alcohol sitting in the fridge now will all be gone by the time i leave this house tomorrow. i need all the liquid courage i can get, for i am no dancer.

affirmation

i will wait patiently, no need to rush, for i know greatness will come eventually. i will remind myself in times of weakness there's no point in settling. because greatness will be so worth the time waitng. greatness will be my ultimate sparring partner.



the only thing i need now is lipstick and a mirror, a la formerly miss charlotte york.

boys (sometimes a girl just needs one)

well, it's been two months since i've landed back in seoul and i've unintentionally wasted no time in getting to know many of the locals. since i have a few hours to spare, and britney commands me to do it, i will debrief.

M: we have an off and on again relationship that's going on three years. we like to kiss and flirt when we're on the hill together but it never goes farther than that. until two weeks ago when i discovered how selfish he could be and consequently, wrote him out of my book (but not my blog). note to self: must resist future temptations coming from his direction even though he is one of the best kissers i've ever met, let alone in korea!

I: i would describe our two year relationship as hot and cold. first hot, then very very cold seeing as though i cut him out of my life for a long time. when i returned to seoul i decided i was going to reverse that decision because i was being ridiculous. so i unsuccessfully tried to make up for lost time by kissing him. instead, i think i just caught him off guard. anyway, he's incredibly sexy and fascinating and unfortunately for me, just a few days later, he started dating someone else. i guess had my chance two years ago and missed it.

GOGO BOY: from the moment i first saw him in his own world, rehearsing in our club, i was captivated. though he paid no mind to me, barely making the effort to turn around and introduce himself, one month later our stars crossed again. three weeks ago at my first night working a gogo party, he appeared out of thin air, presenting himself at the bar, preparing to perform. after he was done shaking his sweaty stuff on stage, he came behind the bar and told me i was cute, taking my breath away. my response wasn't very intelligible but in any case, he had apparently noticed me, and in very good way. not only that, but he rubbed my back, gave me a hug, and a kiss on the cheek! i had no way of knowing that would be the penicle of our relationship though since we've met at the club twice since then and engaged in conversation that has lead to nowhere.

DJ MASTER PROGRESSIVE: the same night gogo boy told me i was cute, i closed down the bar with our resident dj, an incredibly shy and mute individual (go figure). well, the music was finally off so after conversing in his native language for some time, we had dinner (re: breakfast?) and shared a quick kiss at the entrance of the subway. unfortunately, his attraction to me and my attraction to him doesn't make up for the fact that he's not adept at conversing. after a few strong drinks, he becomes significantly more outgoing but that won't make up for i can't have a relationship with him like i think he wants.

O: i must make some mention of him due to his frankness in telling me he'd like to have my babies and then asking me right out if i wanted to have sex with him on this special wednesday afternoon while we were chatting online.

SOGANG BOY: there's a man that i met that lives directly across from my university who is incredibly busy but doesn't mind having a partner during his minimal free time. the problem with him being that he only talks about himself and brags about his prowess, the latter of which wouldn't be such a problem if i hadn't thought kissing him was terrible. i felt like telling him the same thing he told me he's said to other guys in the past: you don't know what you're doing!


all in all, britney was right but my ever growing list of failures is proving that it's easier said than done.